• Published 22nd Oct 2023
  • 168 Views, 7 Comments

Intrusive Thoughts - SaishoVibes



As Sunset is enjoying her life, a voice decides to make its appearance a bit more well-known.

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Only Chapter Unless I continue

Dear Princess Twilight,

It is a rather hot day at Canterlot High, way hotter than the normal summers back in Equestria for that matter. Like- hot enough that you would collapse from levitating a book!

Sunset smirked to herself while writing, ‘You’ll pass out if you do anything big today, Sunset,’ she internally laughed, looking back at the journal.

Anyways, I was just thinking of how much I am enjoying time with my new friends, despite that time not always feeling reciprocated-

“Rainbow! Go long!” shouted Spitfire as she launched the ball across the field; Sunset looked up from her journal, back to the game in front of her.

“I got it!” Rainbow Dash called back, leaping into the air, a quick flash of blue shining across the field as wings sprouted from her back.

“Woah! She ponied up!” Screamed Pinkie Pie, shaking Sunset in excitement. Pinkie’s enthusiasm was quickly stopped by a grab of her wrist from her victim.

“Jeez! Pinkie!” she snapped in agitation.

Pinkie looked down at her friend, dejectedly, “Oops. Sorry, Sunset.”

‘Great, I didn’t want to make her sad. You better repent before you lose a friend. Wait- where did that come from?’ Sunset pondered her thoughts before apologizing.

“No! No- it’s fine, Pinkie, really. I was- I was just caught off guard, is all. I’m sorry too.” Sunset replied, letting go of Pinkie’s wrist; both of them smiling at each other as she turned back to her journal at hand.

Just- even if I am on the sidelines, I am still grateful to have my friends by my side, as they have me by theirs. They even invited my over for a-

“They aren’t grateful.”

Sunset jolted out of her thoughts, looking around. “W-who said that?!”

“Said what, darling?” Rarity looked over, concerned. “We were all just watching Rainbow’s practice.”

Sunset glanced back over to the field, only to see the game playing out just fine. “O-Okay then, I’ll continue writing to Princess Twilight, I guess.”

-They even invited me over for a slumber party this weekend after we go to the movies! Rarity was also telling me about some of the new shops in the mall, though they were all fashion-related; but I figured I’d check some of them out with her as well! I do wonder what we’ll do after the mall though… Perhaps a walk downtown?

“Someone will follow you.”

As soon as “it” stopped, Sunset looked back up, “I swear! I heard someone whisper something in my ear! Are you absolutely sure you saw nobody just now? No one?!”

“Look sugarcube, if anyone was gonna see if someone was around, it would be you” Applejack stated, turning to the group, “and I would also know for certain when one of us was lyin’, and I’d make a fuss about it.”

‘Sure you would, I treated you all like shit for years.’ Sunset looked over to Applejack, “You’re absolutely sure? This isn’t some sort of prank?”

“No, silly!” Pinkie exclaimed, “Why would we prank you like that? All of my pranks would be at parties or with cupcakes!” she finished, pulling out half a dozen cupcakes from her hair.

“And I’m not of that pranking-type, darling. I’d be much more formal about our ‘shenanigans.’” Rarity said, gesturing around the last word. “If it is stressing you this much, you should get somewhere a bit more comfortable than out here, this heat is ruining my hair!”

On any other day, Sunset would laugh at Rarity’s joke, but she merely nodded and packed up her journal.

“Yeah, I think you’re right Rare’s, I’ll head on home. Tell Rainbow I enjoyed watching her practice.” Sunset waved to her friends, making her way around the school, beginning her walk home.

“They pity you.”

That voice. There it was again.

“Those six don’t care about you.”

“Who are you?!” Sunset shouted.

“Maybe you should figure that out before causing a scene.”

Sunset merely stammered at that response, “Y-You!” A few people around her looked over in confusion at her outburst.

“Everyone’s watching you…”

Sunset’s eyes darted around her as she walked by the road. Eyes on her the entire time, sweat dripping down her face.

“If you don’t stop looking around, you’ll be put in a mental hospital.”

She kept glancing around, everyone staring at her as she made her way to her house a few blocks away.

“With how you’re acting, you deserve to be in one.”

Sunset’s face warped to a look of confusion and surprise at that jab as she felt herself hit something. “I-I’m so sorry!” She called back as she started running, glancing over to the street beside her; the bumped-into blonde looking back at her in concern as she ran off.

“Oh, what if you jumped into the road?”

Her eyes widened in realization, ‘You’re in my head…’ she spoke to herself, sweat continuing to bead down her face.

“Took you long enough, dumbass.”

‘I-I’m not a dumbass!’

“Well- I’m your conscience, whatever I say goes. So all things considered, you’re my pet.”

“No…”

“My little creature to play with as a doll.”

“No.” Sunset said, looking around at the surrounding buildings.

“You made a wrong turn, I see.” The voice then gave out a small chuckle, “Only a complete screwup could do that, it’s a straight line, for Celestia’s sake!”

‘No! You’re wrong! I’m no screwup!’ Sunset shut her eyes, shouting to herself.

“Eh, you’re right. More like a dumb bitch, if anything.”

‘Wh-Wha?!’ she stuttered out.

“People are watching, open your eyes and just look for a good building.”

Sunset sighed and did as told by herself. ‘Okay, now what?’

“Look for the best one to think about jumping off.”

‘Why?!’ Sunset shouted to the voice as she looked.

“No reason…just think about one.” The voice calmly replied, seemingly taking a sip of metaphorical tea, as Sunset started to hyperventilate.

‘N-No, I need to get home and rest.’

“But don’t you just adore my company?”

‘I don’t! I hate you! I hate all of this! Why do you put me on edge 24/7?!’ Sunset spat at it, rapidly breathing, feeling her arms start to tense up.

“Because you don’t want some useless thing to cause you to become me, now don’t you?” The voice called back, lifting the surrounding fog in Sunset’s mind.

Sunset backed up to the wall of a nearby alley. “N-No… I-I defeated you!” she shouted, as her legs gave way, her arms too tense to keep her upper body stable.

“No, more like you shut me out for a while, but I will always be a part of you…” The demon Sunset said, moving towards her in her mind.

“N-No! Stay away! I don’t want to die!” Sunset yelled out, sobbing into her arms, looking around for her frantically.

“... Sunset?” a soft voice called into the alley.

Sunset quickly glanced over, seeing a shadow. “N-No! I don’t wanna die! Don’t hurt me! I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I’m sorry…” Her sobs soon drowning out her words amongst her cries.

Footsteps sounded by Sunset as the soft voice returned. “O-Okay. Sunset, concentrate on my voice…” this new voice crouched down by her. “What are five things you can hear?”

Her eyes widened, now knowing who the voice belonged to. “T-Twilight…” was all she could get out between cries.

“Good, now give me four more.” the purple-haired girl calmly replied.

“P-people w-walking…air c-conditioners, c-cars on the road, and m-my voice…” she got out between large breaths, her sobs getting quieter.

“Perfect, now how about five things you can feel? Twilight looked up at her friend through her glasses.

Sunset, still looking down, gave it her best to reply. “T-The ground, my jacket, the wind, my hair, and my pants?” she asked Twilight.

“Yes, that all works for your response.” Twilight nodded, “Now, how about some colors you can see?”

As she breathed in and out slowly, she could feel Twilight blocking the demon from her mind. “Black, from m-my jacket.”

“That’s good, any more?”

“Orange, f-from my h-hair…”

“Great!” Twilight congratulated softly, “How about three more?”

Sunset slowly looked up and shakily nodded, looking around the alley. “R-red, like the bricks on that building.”

Twilight nodded in reply as sunset continued with the final two.

“Purple, like your eyes. A-And, blue, like my blouse” she completed, her breathing softened as she tiredly looked at Twilight.

Twilight looked back into Sunset’s eyes, “Are you okay with touch at the moment?”

Sunset meekly nodded, “C-Can we go home? Please.”

Twilight softly grabbed Sunset’s hand. “Of course, Sunset. I definitely wouldn’t leave you after an anxiety attack like this again.”

All Twilight got was another nod in reply as they both slowly stood up, Twilight walking Sunset back to her apartment.


As she sat on the couch, Sunset pulled out her journal to continue her letter to Princess Twilight. Twilight brought over a light blanked and pulled sunset to her to cuddle under it as she finished writing.

Hey, Twilight? Sorry about cutting off the letter earlier, it happened again. And after a lot of fussing from the Twilight over here, I’ll try to get some help for this anxiety. Thank you for being my friend.

-Sunset Shimmer

"That's good to hear, Sunset; but I didn't fuss at you?"

A few small laughs were heard as the sun fell into a quiet night, one of the calmest in weeks for Sunset.

Author's Note:

Hi there everyone! This is my first every fimfic, so I figured a simple one-shot that could get a lot off of my mind was a good place to start.

A lot of how this chapter was done is similar to my own personal experiences, but I obviously don't have a literal "brain demon." The little part of me that gives all the weird thoughts suffices, I'd say.

Anxiety sucks, and that's what I was basing this off of. The "again" at the end refers to the anxiety attack, but it was Sunset's first time interacting with her inner demon.

I hope you all enjoyed this, and again, please criticize my writing for me to improve, this is my first ever Fimfic after all!

-Sai

Comments ( 7 )

When you're just having a relaxing time at the beach, only for those intrusive thoughts to walk in and say 'Buddy? Are you having fun right now?! Oh, that just won't do!'...

Thank goodness, Sunset has her friends at her back. I'd imagine Rainbow Dash would want to punch her intrusive thoughts if that could help her.

Sci-Twi's recovery method was a smart choice and brilliantly performed.

11729000
Thank you so much!! That is amazing to know. I am so glad you enjoyed it!

P.S. Any general feedback on writing style that I should incorporate?

This was an enjoyable little one-shot! As far as first fics go, it looks great.
That said, I felt that more buildup at the start would have been nice, and i definitely think a little more could have been put at the end--maybe a longer conversation between Sunset and Sci Twi?

Then we get into two site nitpicking things: if you have no immediate plans for adding more to this, than you should set the fic to "hiatus" to let people know, but I'd personally recommend setting it to "complete" and, if you add more, post a second one-shot and say in the description that it is a sequel.
And finally, the tags feel weird. Esp the "human" one, as that one is meant for IRL humans entering Equestria/Canterlot High world, but just an EQG fic shouldn't really have it(this threw me for a loop, too). Also, the romance tag should definitely be considered carefully, on the terms of what you plan on immediately adding. Personal recommendation is to remove it until you add more that content that warrants the tag.
Most of that mess of text is subjective, so feel free to follow or ignore it, and I hope it helped!

11729271
Thanks for the feedback, I'll go ahead and ponder those tag changes. (definitely removing human though)

I'll also think about marking it as complete and then sequel (or just add new chapters here).

Thanks again for the feedback!

11729355
No problem, glad I could help!

This really helps other understand what an anxiety attack feels like, magical demon or no. You did excellent to convey the feeling.
Regarding critique, it was a bit quick from Sunset finding any alley to Twilight just popping up.

11729553
Completely fair! Thanks for the critique!

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